Mothers Who Disgust Me

After reading an article in The Sun yesterday, I felt enraged and figured I’d channel my anger into a blog. I tried to write it one way and then another but I figured the only way I can truly convey my feelings is to write the blog using fictional people but an actual scenario. All my thoughts and feelings are from the heart.

Jennifer was a really good friend of mine. She was married to Simon for fifteen years and they had two gorgeous kids together. The children are aged twelve and nine respectively.

Jennifer and Simon grew apart and ended up separating and eventually divorcing. No one was to blame for the break up, it was purely that time took its toll on the relationship and they had nothing left for each other.

As is usual with break ups, Jennifer had custody of the children and Simon had access to them at weekends and once in the week. This arrangement worked well for all parties involved. Simon worked hard to provide for his family and made maintenance payments as regular as clockwork. He figured they were still his children and he had a duty to provide both financial care and fatherly care.

After a year or so of breaking up Simon met someone else and they dated for a long time before he told Jennifer that he was with someone who he was ready for the children to meet.

It was at this time that Jennifer changed. Overnight she became a bitter twisted person. A person I am ashamed to call my friend and a person who makes me feel ashamed to be a woman.

Jennifer has the house that was the family home, she works part time, both children are at school and she receives money from Simon. She has a life that involves work and socialising and up until this point has been happy.

Simon however misses his kids every minute of every day. He hates that he no longer lives with them and that he is now classed as a part time dad. He cherishes every moment he spends with his son and daughter and dedicates all his time he has with them doing things with them and for them.

Just as when he lived in the family home, he cares for them when they are sick. He reads bed time stories, helps with bathing and any problems they have and feels that his role as father is still the same.

So when Simon met his new partner Marie, he wasn’t prepared for his life to change all over again. Now Simon is a shell of his former self, caught between having a life that he is entitled to and a life with his children.

Marie happily accepted that Simon had children and was more than happy to be a part of his family life. She was also more than happy to leave Simon to spend quality time with his children, keeping in the background so as not to encroach on the blindingly obvious bond they shared. The children both liked Marie and in their own little heads, respected her and the way she was with them.

Only one person had a problem and that was Jennifer. Once she found out that Simon was dating Marie, almost immediately she started playing games. Sick, twisted games that were slowly killing Simon inside.

On one occasion when he was due to have the children, she told him that both were unwell and unable to come out. Yet Simon was more than capable of looking after them as well Jennifer knew. Simon didn’t want to cause any trouble so he cancelled his weekend with them only to later find out that they had nothing more than a slight cold.

At first he didn’t realise that it was a game that Jennifer was playing. But as time went on, it all came out to the most horrifying degree.

As well as hiding the kids phone, so Simon couldn’t get through to them, she would often tell him the kids were out or in the bath and then conveniently forget to ask them to ring him.

Jennifer went to a social worker and told them that she was worried about the emotional well being of her children when they were with their father and Marie.

Social Services visited Simon and found that he had a clean, homely home and could provide everything the children needed materialistically. But they deemed that if the children were emotionally disturbed, that it wasn’t in their best interest to spend time with Simon. They took the word of Jennifer over the word of the children and others around them.

The kids were distraught. They loved their dad and spending time with him. They told the social services this but Jennifer had already painted a bad picture and she won. Yes Jennifer won whilst everyone else lost.

Now Simon is currently unable to see his children at all. If he sees them whilst out and about they bound over to him for a hug which breaks his heart in two because as quick as they embrace him, Jennifer is pulling them apart.

If you look at Simon now you will think he is ill. He is gaunt, pale and tired looking. He works longer hours to take his mind off of his fight to see his children. He has spent thousands on solicitors. But he is getting nowhere.

Jennifer as I said was my friend. But I have to say to Jennifer why are you doing this? You loved Simon once, enough to build a life with him, a home, marry him and bear his children. You praised him every chance you got to anyone who would listen, telling us that he was the best dad in the world and that you couldn’t ask for a better father for your children. So why, Jennifer are you now so intent on hurting him in the most despicable way?

I cannot speak to Jennifer anymore because I am so appalled by her behaviour but I have heard on the rumour mill that she is so coiled with jealousy over Marie that she cannot stand the thought of her children being around her. But Marie was nothing to do with the break up. She came along months later and has never been anything but kind and sensible when it comes to the children.

If I could say one thing to Jennifer or any mother who is playing any kind of game with children, be it using them as a weapon or pawn or stopping them having contact with their father, I would say this: Don’t let your own anger, bitterness and resentment transgress to your children. Don’t let a relationship that has been built to a solid standing over the years, break down because of how you feel. Don’t take away the one thing that should be a fathers right, taking the kids away.

You are not only hurting your ex partner but you are hurting your children in ways you will never begin to understand. If your ex is abusive or unfit, of course I understand that it may not be in the best interests of any party to have access to children. Putting them in an unfit environment is not productive and realistically damaging.

But if you have an ex who loves his children and who supports them in all the right ways, still cares for them and wants to be a part of their life, why would you stop him and them from sharing that special bond?

You may think that you are getting revenge in some way but there are a million ways to avenge a wrong. Why does it have to involve the children? Some fathers are better parents than mothers and no matter what you think, a father has as much right to be involved with his children as a mother. You may laugh at the hurt you are causing your ex, safe in the knowledge that no one will take your kids away from you and that being the woman, you are always going to win.

But let me tell you this, any woman who treats a man in this way, in my opinion, is one of the lowest forms of evil ever to walk this earth. You make me ashamed and angry at being a woman. You make me want to shake you in the hope it will rattle some sense into your brain. And you make me, at times want to cry. Cry for all the fathers out there who are depressed and even suicidal.

I am also mad at this country and the world at large for assuming that a mother is always right when it comes to her children. There needs to be a change in the process. Involve the children more, ask them what they want. Don’t take the word of a woman who more often that not, for one reason or another, is purely out to cause misery to justify her own resentments.

Finally, I hope when you are older and the children have flown the nest and made their own decisions that you sit and reflect on the cruelty you have inflicted on your children and your ex. By then however, it will be too late.

Children aren’t children for long. Don’t take away an important part of their childhood.

Do the right thing.

Dear Nan

Dear Nan

I find myself thinking of you a lot of late so I thought I would drop you a little note. I keep remembering all the times we spent together, all the funny things you did and the little adventures we got up to. I thought I’d jog your memory as I thought it might make you smile.

My earliest memories of you are spending time with you on a Sunday morning and afternoon in your flat in Penge. You lived on the middle floor, entry by a main door, up the concrete steps and your front door was on the right. I loved your flat. The long hallway which if I remember rightly, as it has been so many years, widened at the end by the bedrooms and bathroom.

You had what I call an old fashioned carpet, wild colours and patterns. Your little kitchen where, along with Jennifer, I made crackers and butter, although sadly I had picked up the lard instead of the butter. It still makes me cringe now when I remember biting into it. Even you probably wouldn’t have liked it, even though you loved anything fatty!

I remember sitting on the couch on many a Sunday afternoon, begging you to let me do your crossword books that you so loved. You used to let me do all the puzzles you weren’t interested in, especially the word searches. You taught me that it is easier to find the longer words than the shorter and it is so true. I am sure my love of all things crossword comes from you.

I remember we used to walk Precious the little Yorkshire Terrier over to the park that was right outside. We used to take absolutely ages to do one circuit because you seemed to know everyone. The same thing happened when we went to the shops, you used to stop at every other person and share the gossip. I would be tugging at your sleeve saying ‘come on Nan’.

Do you remember when we thought we had lost Precious one day? We searched the park and the streets outside, only to come back hours later, weary with all the walking to find him curled up by the side of your armchair. He had been there the whole time.

I also remember you searching for your glasses, eventually asking me to help you find them, only for me to notice they were on your head the whole time. I think Mum gets her ditzy moments from you as she is always doing things like that.

One memory I really like is you taking me with you to the off licence on the corner to return your empty bottles. It had to be Guinness bottles as you loved your Guinness. You used to let me sip the froth on the top but I never liked it then and I still don’t now! It was always a good opportunity for me because you would always get me some sweets in there.

I know you smoked but it never bothered me as a child, I can vividly picture you sitting in your armchair, Guinness one side and a fag burning in the other. Whilst I was in and out of your wardrobe trying on all your shoes. I used to plead for time to pass so that my feet were big enough to wear your shoes. I have to laugh because now I have outgrown that foot size by two sizes.

You sometimes used to let me play out the front but I didn’t like it. I wasn’t really a street type of kid and the flats to the side of yours used to scare me, as did the kids that played out. I was never out for long. But you would watch me from the balcony with Precious and Tiggy and Wilam the two stray cats you adopted over the years.

You soon moved to the suburbs and lived in a little house in Surrey. I still used to come and stay with you. I remember that house and the really long garden and how you used to love wandering up and down it, taking in the aroma of the flowers. We’d always have a delicious home cooked stew when at your house and used to snuggle up in the evenings to watch television. We never sat in the front room, always the back room, off of the kitchen. It was cosy and always hot because you loved being warm.

I used to sleep in the back bedroom and you had your bedroom at the front. Once, do you remember, Tiggy got on my bed during the day and sprayed his scent. It was putrid but I still slept in there.

After a while you moved to sheltered housing. I loved your upstairs flat and I would stay for weekends. We used to do exactly the same, have nice meals and settle down to watch television. But we did sometimes enjoy bingo!

We would head off for the Saturday afternoon game and spend hours marking off our numbers. In the interval you liked to play the slot machines. Always a little gambler at heart. We didn’t just play at your bingo hall, once you came and stayed with us in Essex and we went every day for a week didn’t we? Sometimes we went twice a day. Mum and Dad were away and on the day they got back, we should have been greeting them but we were restless and soon Dad gave us some money to go one last time. We were off up the road like spring lambs!

We never won big but we enjoyed ourselves.

You were so excited when I had Luke. You idolised him. Your ‘little man’ you called him. But you were always telling me off for one thing or another. It was hard not to get cross because so much had changed since your day of raising your five. How you coped with five I don’t know. But in hindsight some of your ways were actually better than the ones being rammed down new mum’s necks today.

Then you got poorly and were told you had heart damage. Only part of your heart was working and you seemed to go downhill. You still loved going out but over the next few years you were less and less able to walk far and you ended up using a wheelchair when you went to the shops. It was so sad to see you like that because you were always so active. I love watching the video of Jennifer, Linda, You and I, skipping across the common at Frensham Pond. It is sad to see how much you went downhill from what you were.

When you had a ‘funny turn’ in the Wimpy it was scary but I like to think you were proud of me. I calmed Mum and Linda down and managed to get you into the recovery position, much to your disgust. It wasn’t until afterwards when you had gone into hospital for the night that the shock hit me and I was really sick.

I went on to have Joe who was really poorly at birth. You wanted to come and see him in hospital but I didn’t want you to. At the time we didn’t know if he would live or die and I didn’t want you to meet him in case he didn’t make it. I felt it would have been easier for you to deal with if he didn’t make it and you hadn’t seen him. But thank God, Joe made it and you idolised him as much as Luke.

You were so happy when we moved to Surrey for a few years. You got to see the boys a lot and although under my strict instructions not to, you were always feeding Joe chocolate and basically spoiling the boys far too much.

When we moved back to Essex, you were really sad and I was sad to leave you too but we still came back to see you as much as we could.

It was when I moved back to Essex that I decided to find out where your camp had been during the war. We had talked about it in the past but I had never made a real effort to find it for you. But this time, I put an appeal in the local paper and I got so many phone calls offering help and advice. Finally, a man and his mum were the ones who called with everything we needed to know. They took us to your camp. Obviously it wasn’t a camp anymore but you could still see the old bunkers protruding from the ground. You worked the AKAK Guns during the war and this is where you were based.

You always told us that your camp was between the pub and the church but back then there were hardly any buildings so we could never work it out. But when we found where it was, we realised you were spot on. And you were excited because you had arranged to come to Essex to see the camp.

But then we got a call to say you had cancer. We were devastated by the news but you were no different. You didn’t appear to be any more poorly than you were with the symptoms your poorly heart exhibited.

Until one day we got a call to say you had been taken ill and were in hospital. Mum and I rushed down from Essex to Surrey. We came to the hospital and I remember you lying in the bed not looking too bad. You chatted to me briefly, asking me where the boys were. But you always seemed to be looking at someone behind me, even though no one was there. Linda and Kath stayed with you that night whilst Mum and I went back to Linda’s. We wanted to stay but we weren’t allowed to. The Nurse had told us you were fine and nothing would happen over night.

At 1am we were woken and told to get back to the hospital immediately as you were having problems. I can’t remember exactly what was said. We were ready in minutes. But in that time, we got another call to say we were too late. I had to tell my Mum that you were gone. I had to be strong for my Mum and John because they were devastated.

We came into the hospital and you were lying in the bed much the same way you had been earlier. But you may have looked asleep but sadly you were gone. You had left this world quickly. No long drawn out battle with cancer, it seemed your heart just gave up that night.

I am so glad I got to see you one last time and to kiss you goodbye before you passed away. And I like to think that when I kissed you in that hospital bed in the middle of the night that you heard me and felt me say goodbye. I also like to think that when I felt you were looking behind me, that it was your already passed over relatives who were standing there waiting for you because they knew.

I managed to hold it together until the next day. I just broke down then Nan, pretty much what I am doing now as I write this. I think what makes it worse is that you didn’t want to die. You wanted to stay around as long as you could to see everyone.

Life goes on, of course it does, but I do think of you Nan and I do remember all the times we spent together and all that we did.

I’m thankful that I got to spend so much time with you. And I’m glad my kids got to meet their Granny.

I sometimes think you visit me. Whenever I see a white feather, I feel like it is you, just checking up on me. I wish I had managed to get you to Essex to see your camp before you passed away and I am sorry I didn’t. It has taught me a lesson, not to put things off as you never know when it might be too late.

Wherever you are now, I am sure you are supping on a Guinness and puffing on a woodbines.

I miss you.

The Love of my Life

You are the love of my life and there is no feeling quite like being so in love with you. Although quite possibly, the fact that you love me back just how I have always wanted to be loved, could just even it out.

I reflect on my life and I see so many mistakes I have made. Things I have done that I wish I hadn’t and things I would like to change. I sometimes beat myself up over them, well I used to a lot. But since I met you, I don’t do that so much.

I often thought I could never be loved completely. I thought I was destined to a lifetime of flimsy love. I thought I had loved before but now I wonder how I possibly could. I have never given so much of myself to a person, as I have to you. And I do this because seeing you smile and happy is what completes me.

I may have met you under unusual circumstances and those circumstances may have been wrong in the eyes of many but sometimes you have to do what is right for you and although I regret the hurt and pain it has caused others, for me I made the right decision.

Because by loving you, it has made me a better person. It has made me happy inside which makes daily life so much more bearable. And it has made me a better Mum because instead of hiding away, I want to get out there in the world. How, just by being loved, I can be so much more of a person than I ever was, is unexplainable but it is true. And for that I love you.

The way you look at me with love in your eyes still astounds me today over a year later. We may be in the honeymoon period still but with all the drama and stress our life has brought us, we have remained strong and not faltered.

I love you for so many reasons. I love the way you make me laugh and don’t take life too seriously. I like the way that even when I am spoiling for an argument, you can say one thing that makes me smile and laugh, no matter how much I fight it and then the tension eases away.

I love the way you need me. I don’t think anyone has ever needed me before. It makes me feel like a superhero of some kind. I love the way you are, at times, vulnerable and it is then that I become the strong one. But I love the way, the rest of the time you are the strongest person I know both mentally and physically. I love that I never have to be scared of anything when you are there.

I love the way you like to touch me, be it holding my hand or laid out of the sofa in a twisted mess of arms and legs. And when we go to sleep, I love the way you hold me to you or hold my hand until we are both asleep. I like the way I wake up in the middle of the night and reach out just so I can feel you are there.

I love the way you look, to me you are perfect in every way. From the top of your head to the tips of your toes, I know every part of you and I love each millimetre. I love your blue eyes, freckled shoulders, square toes, freaky calves and sexy biceps. But as much as I love your exterior, I love your interior too.

I like the way you hold me when I cry at films and how you laugh as you cannot understand why I get upset over things that aren’t true. And how you laugh that I get so enraged over my big passion the abolition of the death penalty. You can’t understand how I can be so sad for someone I never knew. But I think you like it and it humours you because you can see I care.

Above anything, as I said, I love the way you love me. You love me for me. You love me when I’m all dressed up and ready to go out. But you love me when I am looking rough too. You love me when I am sick and when I am hyperactive. There doesn’t seem to be anything that you don’t love about me. You support me and you are always there for me. And I don’t think you realise just how much that amazes me.

I could write so much more but I think this tells you just how much you mean to me. I think we compliment each other and that is what makes it so perfect.

Because all my life all I ever wanted was a man to protect me, to listen to me, to care for me, to be affectionate, to laugh with me, to cry with me. And all my life I searched and searched.

All I wanted was a man to love me and it took a while to find you but having you completes me totally. You are my perfection.

Yesterday you were the love of my life, today you are the love of my life, tomorrow you will be the love of my life. And for the rest of my days and further, you will always be the love of my life.

Love Me

Starstruck

I came across the advert and it was by no means by chance.

“Magnus Film Studios looking for an assistant to work full time. Please click the attachments at the bottom of this advert to view the full job description and person specification”.

Before clicking the attachments, I did a quick google search, although I already knew that Magnus has just signed Carter Cortez for a five film deal. But I still had to check, it was just my nature.

Once confirmed, I read the full job description, needlessly although over and over again I read it. The job was for a general assistant to work in worldwide locations assisting the film crew and cast during filming. It was a generous pay but the salary wasn’t the kick I needed. It was the chance of working nearby my idol Carter Cortez. I’d idolised him for ages. Followed him on all the social networking sites, collected all the cuttings and photos I could find. I genuinely believed he was the love of my life. Other guys didn’t make the grade for me and it wasn’t for the want of them trying.

Even saying so myself, I had to admit that I was extremely attractive, slim but shapely. Perfect blonde hair, big blue eyes and spider leg eyelashes, with an ample bust and long, toned tanned legs; I was the kind of girl most men did a doubt take on. But that most men were too scared to approach. It wasn’t always a plus being so attractive because it was always assumed that I was a dumb blonde, nothing more than a ‘look’. I was far from dumb, nearing genius on the IQ Scale. Men adored me but women hated me, I hardly had any female friends because they saw me as a threat.

It was laughable really because I wasn’t a threat to any woman. I wasn’t interested in their husbands or boyfriends no matter how good looking or suave they were. I was only interested in one man, period. Carter Cortez with his olive skin, brooding brown eyes, rippled abs and teeth as white as snow – he was perfection. In my mind, I was Miss Perfect and him with his sexy accent, was Mr Perfect.

There and then I knew I had to get the job that would enable me to work my magic on Carter. I didn’t like to lose and I certainly went for what I wanted with a passion.

I’d sent my fantastic resume and had been offered an interview by letter. I read the letter, over and over again sat on the tube to the London office of Magnus. I was out to win the position and judging by the admiring glances from the men and the scowls from the ladies, I was looking my best.

Resume in hand, I entered the boardroom of Magnus Studios and took the chair in front of three suited men. Thank God. All men, no women. I smiled sweetly and batted my eyelashes. One of the suits even loosened his tie. The effect was working.

I answered all the questions in a clear, calm, husky voice. Yes I was ready to commit to a six month contract in America, I told them. And yes with my vast experience of the music industry, various media companies and small time film companies, I was sure I was perfect for the job. I smiled to myself as I thanked the three suits for their time and made my way home to my apartment in South London. They said I would hear within a week but I was quietly confident that I’d nailed it. Not just by the slightly shorter than usual skirt or the flash of cleavage as I leaned forward to scratch an imaginary itch but also by my impressive resume, cool composure and the interest I had surprised them with in Magnus as a whole.

Sure enough just two days later, I received a formal offer of employment and here I was in LA unpacking my suitcase in the apartment or rather condominium I had been put up in for the duration of my stay. Nothing flash but it had all I needed.

Once unpacked I spent the afternoon lazing by the pool in my bikini, dreaming behind my designer frames, of the next day when I would finally get to meet the love of my life Carter. I had no doubt in my mind that Carter would notice me but I had to ensure that it was more than just a fleeting glance that he sent my way.

With an elegant knee length, black and white flowing skirt and a white vest top that hugged all the right places, complete with black pumps, I arrived on set with time to spare. I waved at John and Logan who I’d shared a meal with the previous evening. They were the Set Managers and I mainly answered to them.

I held no worries about either, both gay, having been together for years. They’d quizzed me the previous evening about my home life and marital status to which I’d said quite simply, as I always do, I don’t have time for relationships, I am strictly a career woman. This always impressed the powers that be as they looked upon me as reliable and not ready to drop babies anytime soon.

The location crew were all set up and ready for the first scene shot of the day. Now we were waiting on the stars to arrive. Carter walked in oozing masculinity and sex appeal, closely followed by Ariadne Lianovich. Relatively new to the scene, Ariadne was looking a little tired. She had appeared in lots of low budget movies to date but really made the big time in her role as the beaten wife in Domesticity. I personally thought she was nothing special, plain looking and far too skinny.

Carter however was stunning. Attire consisting of a tight t-shirt and shorts, I literally had to catch my breath. So many times you hear of people idolising their heroes for years, only to finally meet them, to realise they aren’t all they are cracked up to be in ‘real life’. But Carter was everything I knew he would be and so much more. Literally stunning and totally looking my way.

I casually picked up the clipboard holding the daily schedule and keeping my eyes low, I walked in his direction. As I neared, I swooned. Well to anyone nearby it would appear that I was swooning when in fact I was a dab hand at acting myself. Touching my head lightly with one hand, to indicate I was unsure of what was happening and reaching out to grab the nearest thing in reach, I latched onto Carters taut bicep. Accidently? Hardly. He gripped my elbows and held me in front of him. Just the touch of his hands on my skin, brought a flush to my face.

“Are you okay” he asked whilst shouting for John to get me some water. Concern reflected in his brooding eyes.

“I am quite fine, thank you, I don’t know what came over me, it must be the heat. I am not used to it yet” I said.

“Ah, that will be on account of the fact you are obviously English. Hell of a different climate over here” he laughed.

“I’m really fine now thank you” I said gathering my clipboard from Logan whilst sipping at the water John had magically managed to find. They were fussing over me far too much.

I thanked everyone and had to smile as, whilst walking away I heard Carter say “Wow, what a stunning lady and an English Rose at that”.

Round one, won for sure. The day passed without too much going on. It is not as glamorous as people think in the world of movies. A lot of the day is spent hanging around with lots of stop starting. I was glad to get back to my condo for a soak in the tub.

Soaking in the tub in an abundance of bubbles, planning my next move in the race to win Carters heart, I heard a knock at the door. I silently cursed whoever it was for pulling me from my fantasy.

“Just a minute please” I shouted as I slid out of the tub and into the softest, fluffiest, white bath robe ever. Padding across the tiles, footprints a silent but visible echo of my path, I opened the door, squinting at the bright light from the security lamp.

Oh my. In front of me stood a vision so magnificent, I had to pinch myself to ensure I wasn’t dreaming.

“Carter, what can I do for you” I asked. Not in the slightest bit concerned about my appearance. With or without make-up I had the natural look that all women craved but that so many could not pull off.

“I wanted to check you were okay after what happened on set this morning. I hear adjusting to the heat is hard on you English” he smiled, indicating the balmy LA evening with his hands.

“You shouldn’t have troubled yourself. I am doing fine. Nothing a soak didn’t fix” I said, opening the door wider, a silent invitation to Carter.

He stepped into the small hallway and I pointed needlessly to the lounge. Carter knew these condos like the back of his hand. He must have stayed in about a thousand over his time.

I followed him; taking in the sight of him was like a lightning strike straight to my heart.

“Can I get you anything” I asked.

“Sure I’d love a soda please” he said.

“Well if you don’t mind helping yourself, I’ll just go throw some clothes on” I replied.

With a mad dash to find some sweats and a quick dab of lip gloss, I was back in the lounge as Carter was opening his soda.

“That’s better” I said, unclipping my damp hair and letting it tumble onto my shoulders.

“So you like LA then Dannii” he asked.

“So far so good” I laughed.

I looked at him looking at me and adopted my bashful expression.

“It’s not such a bad place, lots to do and see when you aren’t working of course. And there is always the pool” he said with a grimace.

Ha I had him. Carter was flirting with me. It was written all over his face. I was patient as he told me about all the great places to eat and visit. I wasn’t really listening. I’d been to LA on numerous occasions and could probably tell him places to go.

“So, if ever you are at a loose end, it’s a great place to go” I heard him say.

“Oh really? It’s so nice of you to offer Carter, I’d love to” I leaned forward and gently patted his arm.

He stood up startled and with his next words he may as well have kicked me in the tummy.

“Oh no, I am sorry, as much as I would love to, I am so busy with the filming and what with Ariadne keeping me so busy, I just wouldn’t have the time” he said.

“I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you mean” I whispered.

“The worst kept secret in the industry. Ariadne and I are getting married in the fall and right now it’s all go with arranging the engagement party” he smiled.

My mind was whirling, my heart thumping and bile was like acid in my throat. Married to Ariadne. Over my dead body.

“Congratulation Carter, that is such fantastic news” I falsely gushed.

“Talking of which, thanks for the soda, best not keep her waiting any longer. I’m glad you are okay and I’ll see you on set tomorrow” with a quick peck on the cheek he went as suddenly as he appeared.

I went through the motions at work over the next few months. Smiled in all the right places even though my heart was breaking every time I looked at the two of them together.

I’d manage to become pretty friendly with the happy couple. Ariadne was always asking my advice on fashion and the wedding of the year. And Carter was always showing me little gifts he had been buying for Ariadne before he gave them to her.

I happily obliged both of them and spent most of my free time shopping with one or the other of them as well as partying with them when the need arose.

So Carter asking me to go with him to choose an engagement gift was no surprise and on the promise of a drink, we went shopping for the day. Once he was happy with his purchase, we hit a few bars and ended up being out most of the evening.

Carter was rather worse for wear by the time I got him back to Ariadne who just shrugged, as we helped him to his bed where he flopped there unmoving. Poor Ariadne, ten years Carters senior, she was ready to settle town whereas Carter still had that last blast of partying in his blood.

“Thanks Dannii, for getting him home safely” she said warmly.

“No problem” I smiled “But I leave for England tomorrow, some family emergency has come up and I have to leave right away. So you are going to have to find yourself a new chaperone”

“But you’ll be back soon right?” she asked.

“Shouldn’t be away too long” I said “But I best be going now, very early start and I need to get packed”.

Ariadne pulled me into a tight embrace, hugging me close to her. I stood there awkwardly my cheek pressed against hers.

“Say Goodbye to Carter for me” I said as I pulled free and walked away.

As I settled on the flight to Paris, I opened the LA Times that I had picked up in the airport. I smiled inwardly.

“Carter Cortez, star of numerous blockbuster films, has been found dead in his apartment in LA. Cortez is here filming his latest for Magnus Film Studios. It is suspected that he overdosed on a Class A narcotic. Ariadne Lianovich whom Cortez was set to marry this fall, is said to be devastated by the news”.

It went on to detail Carters career and ended with a photograph of him smiling from ear to ear.

On arrival at my Parisian hotel I unpacked yet another suitcase and pulled out my scrap book. Opening it up, I leafed through the smiling faces of the men I had loved. I found the newspaper article and cut out the picture of Carter and stuck it into its place.

I then picked up my notepaper and penned a very important letter.

“Dear Mr Conway
I would be delighted to accept your formal offer of Employment at Lisgo Music. I am very much looking forward to assisting the very talented Steven Carnegie and the band as a whole…..”

I finished the letter with the usual gushing compliments, sealed it and placed it on the chest of drawers, ready to post.

I retrieved my scrap book and took one last look at the smiling face of Carter Cortez, softly placed my lips against the photo and then closed the book.

“I didn’t love you anyway Carter. You were just like all the others. Not worthy of my love” I whispered to the closed book of men who had met an untimely demise.

And with that, I put the book in the hotel room safe, lay out on my bed and thought of Steven Carnegie.

“It will be different this time” I thought to myself, arms hugging the spare pillow. “I just know that Steven is the man for me”.

A Dish Best Served Cold? (Fictional Story) Some 18+ Content

Part One

Everyone has an embarrassing moment in their life that they wish had never happened and failing that, wish they could forget. Most of us can take these memories and either cringe or laugh. I however had never got over mine and I neither laughed nor cringed for many years.

Miami Senior High School meant to be the best years of your life. And for the most part I enjoyed school. I wasn’t a cheerleader, far from it but nor was I a nerd. I kind of slotted in somewhere in the middle. Neither bone thin nor morbidly obese, I guess I had what the English call, an hour-glass figure. I always hated it, although looking at such shapes as an adult, past my adolescence, I kind of like the curves these girls proudly possess. Apparently no man likes a stick insect anymore?

I kept myself to myself at school, studied relatively hard and partied as much as any teenager can. I was in love with JJ from the minute I set eyes on him. And yes it was love, not a silly crush, but full blown, bam, kaboom love. I always thought he was pretty much out of my league in terms of me being girlfriend material, I mean JJ and I shared classes, so, more often that not, he would pass conversation with me when walking through the halls in between classes.

When I say JJ was gorgeous, I mean he was literally male model material, star football player but academic too. He was followed around by so many love-struck teenagers; I am surprised he didn’t have a stalking complex.

But JJ, I thought was special. He was from a different life as far as I was concerned. Lived in a beautiful house, holidayed in Aspen and wanted for nothing. A far cry from the miserable existence I lived at home. Living in a trailer with my mom who was never, ever meant to be a mother. And my father, one of many possibilities who had passed through the state over the years.

So when JJ asked me to a party at his place over Thanksgiving holiday, I had to check I had heard him correctly. Not only was the love of my young life inviting me to his party, it meant I would spend a few hours in the lap of luxury. A pool party, no less and lots of food and drink whilst his parents were away. Obviously, I didn’t hesitate in accepting his invitation.

The house was all I imagined it to be. It stood in its own grounds, a gated entrance allowing only those privileged enough to be invited. The view from the front porch was breathtaking, overlooking the ocean with a loan sail boat floating far out on the horizon. I waited for a response to my knock on the double doors.

JJ opened the door and smiled at me warmly.

“I’m so glad you could make it” he said, drawing me into an embrace whilst kissing my cheek. He smelt of alcohol and cigarettes mingled with some expensive cologne I no doubt had never heard of. I breathed in his scent and hugged him back, my heart feeling as if it would explode.

“Thanks for inviting me. Where is everyone”? I asked.

“Well Jane, there is no everyone. It is just you and me honey” he said as he released me, held me at arms length and sent a slow, admiring glance up and down me.

“Oh” I said “I thought you were having a school get together, I brought my swim stuff and everything” I replied holding my bag with my beach towel sticking out.

“Plenty of time for swimming later honey, I wanted it to be just you and I, but I wasn’t sure you’d come if I asked you, on a like, kind of date” he raised his eyebrows in question.

“A date? You and me on a date” I asked.

“Sure honey, you must have known I’ve always liked you” he said grinning from ear to ear.

“Erm……no I didn’t” I laughed. I was feeling a little subconscious as he was still holding my arms and giving what appeared to be admiring glances.

“Well, what are we waiting for, let’s get this party started”. He entered the huge hallway and led me into the den. Sounds were coming from the iPod, sitting in the most expensive docking station I had ever seen.

I started to relax, sat down on the plush, feather filled sofa and accepted a drink from JJ. I sniffed it and JJ laughed.

“Let yourself go, it’s about time you let your hair down, literally” he said, as he unclipped my hair from its vibrant flower clip that I had spent hours perfecting. My long, brown curls tumbled onto my bare shoulders. In an instant, JJ was on his knees in front of me. He tilted my chin, looked into my eyes and then he kissed me, softly on the lips. I felt my insides ignite like a firework as his soft, full lips moved onto my neck and shoulders.

I had only had one sexual encounter and it was nothing like this. One kiss had me pulsing in all the right places. JJ, still kissing my shoulders, slipped my dress down to my tummy revealing my bra which he quickly unhooked. He placed my hand on his groin and his pulsing hardness matched mine easily.

I was breathing more rapidly as JJ slipped his finger inside my panties and probed at the soft, wet mound. I moaned into his neck and he kissed me harder. Pushing my dress up with one hand, and slipping his pants off with the other. He pushed me down onto the sofa and lay on top of me, his hardness pushing at my wetness.

He was then inside me, gently at first and then harder, as I linked my ankles around his back pulling him in deeper. After a while he stopped and went onto his knees, licking my wetness until I could stand it no more, legs spread and feet flat on the floor, I came hard holding onto his head. He flipped me over and took me from behind before finally, standing before me, pushed himself into my eager mouth. I watched his face as he ejaculated over me before collapsing onto the sofa beside me.

I busied myself getting my underwear from the chair and my dress from the floor. Weak with love making, I dressed myself.

“JJ your cell is ringing I said”. He got up and grabbed his cell phone and I could hear his muffled voice as he had a conversation that sounded heated.

“Jane I am sorry, my parents are coming back, they will be here in ten minutes, and you are going to have to go. Do you want me to call you a taxi?” he said, looking anxious.

“Oh no, its okay, I can walk it from here, its only just dark” I said.

“Ok well, I’ll call you tomorrow and see you on Monday at school” he kissed my cheek and walked me to the front door.

“Bye JJ” I said and he smiled, almost sympathetically as he waved me off from the doorstep.

I made my way home, with shaky legs and a happy heart. He liked me. JJ really liked me. I was floating as I walked up the steps to our trailer. Even the sight of my mother, asleep on the couch, a bottle of vodka overturned on the table, couldn’t dampen my mood. I went to bed, still able to smell the scent of JJ in my hair.

The weekend passed with a long drawn out battle. A battle by midday Sunday when I still hadn’t heard from JJ. I made every excuse under the sun; his parents saw me leaving and had grounded him, that had to be it. But I still hated the feeling beginning to grow in the pit of my stomach. I had loved JJ for so long that when he made advances towards me, I’d been too smitten to be sensible.

Monday came too quickly, still no call from JJ and it was now time to face him in Algebra. I entered the classroom and searched out his face. He was there, with his usual crowd. As I walked to my table, people were sniggering and laughing at me. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, so I ignored them and set about organising my textbooks.

I waited for JJ to come over but he didn’t. I was crushed. I spent the whole lesson desperately trying not to cry and taking no notes. My cheeks were flushed and first chance I got I went to the restroom to sort myself out. Walking in the restroom, my friend Maggie was surrounded by a group of our other circle.

“Hey” I said sadly.

“Jane” a few murmured before scuttling off out into the halls. The noise from the halls burst through the open door but abated once it swooshed shut.

“Hey Maggie, what’s going on” I asked.

“You mean you don’t know” she looked incredulous.

“Know what Maggie” I replied.

“Oh Jane” she said putting her arm round my shoulder. “I am so sorry to have to break this to you. It’s JJ” she said.

“JJ? What you mean asking me out on a date and then ignoring me, I am so over that already” I said none too convincingly.

“Jane, it’s not just that” she said. “He has a video of…erm….you and him…..doing it”. She said, heat flaring at her cheeks.

“A video, what do you mean” I asked.

“It was all a set-up apparently. I knew nothing about it until this morning mind you. Liam bet him he couldn’t get a girl to go to his house whilst the rest of the guys hid in the house watching and filming him getting it on with her, the whole thing, its all on video and Liam is texting it to everyone in his contacts”. She squeezed my shoulder. “I’m so sorry Jane; I know how much you like him”.

I literally felt like my life had ended. I stood there open-mouthed not knowing what to say. I looked at Maggie who was looking at me with tears in her eyes.

“Jane, he’s not worth it, ignore it, it will be old news by tomorrow” she said.

I wasn’t really hearing what she said. On legs like jelly, I purposefully strode out of the restroom, along the corridors to jeers of ‘slut’, ‘slapper’ and ‘easy lay’, As I got to the exit to the parking lot, JJ leaned on a wall watching me. He didn’t try to speak to me; he didn’t say he was sorry. What he did do, was absolutely nothing other than stand there and smirk. I held my head high, pushed through the doors and round the corner and then I ran as fast as I could, back to the trailer park - trailer trash, just like everyone thought.

Part Two

With my newly highlighted hair, swishing in rhythm to my purposeful stride, and the buzz from my early morning gym workout, I walked into the glass fronted building. Up in the elevator and along the plush carpeted hallway to my office. I sat at my desk, smiled at the photograph of my husband and daughter, buzzed through to my assistant for a large skinny latte and started to review my files for the day.

What clients did I have today? Mason Grimes. His last appointment with me, having come so far so quickly, I was ready to let him try the real world on his own, without my help. Devan Kowbozki was far from finished with my help. He needed to address so many issues that we had at least six months ahead of us before he was ready to move on. He’d been assigned anger management and counselling after beating his long suffering wife, one time too many. And I was his counsellor. We weren’t making a lot of progress so far but it was early days.

And a new client was due today. Jonathan James. I didn’t have a lot on his file other than he was a private client who after a promising football career was launched, was tackled diabolically, only to have his dream taken away from him overnight. He then turned to alcohol and drugs to stem the reality of his life. Same story I have heard a million times, just a different face.

“Jane, your 3’o’clock is here” my assistant said through the intercom.

“Send him in Shelby” I said and released the button.

Jonathan James walked into my office looking like the drug addict he purportedly was. At least four days growth grew from his chin. Dead eyes and dark circles against a washed out complexion completed the look I had seen so many times.

I indicated for him to sit opposite me. And then my heart stopped beating for a second. The appearance was all wrong, gone was the boyish good looks, designer labels and sparkling eyes. But undoubtedly the man before me was the boy I had spent years trying to run away from. JJ.

I watched him fidgeting, his legs bouncing nervously as he waited for me to speak. No doubt he had heard the opening from numerous Doctors over the years and was wondering what was taking me so long. I had to pull myself together.

After years of counselling in my youth, I had put the dark days of ‘the incident’ as I referred to it, behind me. This man no longer filled me with a self loathing that caused me to hurt myself to ease the pain. He no longer made me feel ashamed of myself. It had been a long road to free myself of the humiliation and anger that had consumed me but I had made it and looking at the broken man before me, I knew I had an enormous task ahead of me. Maybe I should have turned him away the minute I realised who he was but curiosity and the pure disbelief that the man who had taken most of my life, was sitting before me, had me asking the first question.

“Mr James, when was the last time you used” I asked.

He looked at me but there was no recognition. Hell I bet he even had trouble recognising his own mom at the moment.

“I haven’t used for three days, that’s the truth. I want to get clean this time. I need to, I’m going to be a father” he said this almost helplessly.

“And Mr James what substance is it that you used” I asked keeping my voice steady.

“JJ…….” He said

“I’m sorry”?

“Please call me JJ” he said looking into my eyes.

“Mr James, I am not here to judge you, merely help you, so please to enable us to move forward, I need to know which drug you have become addicted to”. There was no way I was going to call him JJ. The last time I had used his name aloud was as it was on my lips as he used me for his sick game so many years ago.

“Cocaine. Socially to start with. But I ended up using more and more until I am what I am now” he said not meeting my eye.

“And what is it you think you are now Mr James” I said.

“Look at me, I have nothing, I am NOTHING” he shouted.

For so long JJ had been dead to me and was indeed nothing in my eyes too. But professionally I had a duty so I spent the first forty minute session discussing his past and making notes as I went. He shook my hand, not noticing my shudder, as he left, vowing to be back the next day. And for some reason I believed he would. After years in this game you could tell those who would return and those who were merely there as part of the bigger game plan.

Entering my beautiful house that evening, I whooped as my eight year old daughter ran into my arms, regaling me with stories of her day. How Millie had been horrible to her at school but how Miss Longman had told Millie off much to the delight of Emily! But of course, Millie and Emily were friends once again.

I found my husband in the den, files of his own strewn around him, half his police issue uniform strewn across the back of the sofa.

“Hey gorgeous” he said, standing up to give me a kiss.

Tom was an angel sent to rescue me, I am sure. He appeared at my lowest point in life and he picked me up, allowing us to be friends for so long until I trusted him enough to tell him my story in my words. The reason why I was so sad and afraid. He encouraged me to seek counselling and it was there the key to my life was given. I had met a man who cared and was kind. And I found a career I was interested in. Helping others overcome what I eventually did. Until one day, I let Tom in completely. I let him make love to me and found myself enjoying it as much as him. Afterwards as we lay in each others eyes, Tom wiping the tears from my cheeks, he asked me there and then to marry him. He had told me he loved me and had loved me for so long but that he had waited patiently for me to be ready to trust again but that he was tired of waiting and wanted to spend every minute of his life with me from that moment on.

So started the beginning of the rest of my life and I never looked back.

“What’s wrong? Has something happened” he asked eyes full of concern.

I had never kept a secret from Tom, not when we were friends and not since we were lovers and then partners.

“It’s nothing to worry about but I had a blast from the past today” I said laughing and then quite suddenly crying.

He didn’t need to ask; he just took me in his arms and held me while I cried silently against his shirt.

“What do you want to do about it” he asked once I had calmed down.

“Nothing. I’ll help him the same way I help everyone else. He is a paying client and his money is as good as anyone else’s. I can’t turn him away because he needs my help and I think me seeing him again for the first time has broken the last barrier I had up”. I looked at Tom who nodded in understanding.

“I don’t like the thought of you talking to him, let alone helping him Jane” he said “but if this helps you then it has to be a good thing right” he said smiling.

I hugged him to me and as usual marvelled at how men can be so similar yet so different.

The next few weeks Jonathan visited every day. Slowly the dark circles started to fade and the sallow complexion was replaced by rosier cheeks. Jonathan talked about his past. Talked about his life long dream of being a football star. Talked about his high school days and referred to the incident that had ruined his life. The pain in his eyes was genuine and I felt he had paid a price as high as I had for ruining my life.

You see Jonathan didn’t come out of ‘our incident’ as scot free as you may have thought. I never saw him again after the day I walked from the school and ran back to my trailer. I begged my mother to move me to another school and for once in her sorry life, seeing the pain I was in, the alcoholic haze cleared and she agreed.

Maggie my friend from Miami High kept in touch and visited me. She told me that Jonathan had bragged about what he had done to anyone who would listen. He uploaded his video onto his computer and invited people round to watch. This went on for a few weeks until, as rumour has it; his Mother came across the film whilst cleaning his room. A family discussion ensued with both parents, Jonathan and his older brother discussing the matter.

I used to envy the big family meetings that all the rich kids seemed to have. Thought they were very diplomatic and sensible. But as I have since learned, nothing is quite what is appears to be.

It was decided that the matter would be swept under the carpet and after a weeks grounding, also decided that Jonathan, the superstar football player had suffered enough.

So his life went on for a short time. But someone else was at that table that night and didn’t like what he had heard. He didn’t think Jonathan should be allowed to get away with what he had done, given a punishment usually fit for being late for curfew. But to degrade and humiliate a girl with such bare faced audacity was a little too much for Jonathan’s older brother.

On the hottest day of the year, the family had a cook-out and invited all the family. Relatives came and as usual, a family game of football started on the lawn. Everyone was in good spirits apart from one person. Jonathan’s brother. He went in for the tackle, harder than he ever had in any competitive game and Jonathan went down. Only Jonathan didn’t get up as quick as he would usually because he had broken his shoulder in two places.

Family rushed to Jonathan. His brother was outcast. Just like that. He knew what would happen if he hurt the wonder kid but he wasn’t about to stand by and let justice go.

It was on that very day that I met an angel, who saved me from myself. An angel who had no one else either. An angel who came into my life and started the healing process. An angel who felt he had to explain the whole story to me from the beginning. And an angel who felt he had to apologise on behalf of his brother.

It was a shock, I won’t pretend it wasn’t. I thought it could be another sick game. But in time, as the story unfolded, I realised there can be good and evil in this world. I faced the evil and then I found the good.

“So Mr James, I really think you have made a good recovery and are ready to move on from our counselling sessions” I said, thankful the time had finally come to once again leave this man in my past.

“Thank you, Doctor, you have been a real help. This counselling lark isn’t so bad after all” he laughed. “I wonder, if perhaps you would like to go for a drink, strictly of the soft variety of course” he said with the same twinkle he had used all those years ago.

“JJ” I said

He turned to look at me and suddenly realisation dawned.

“JJ” I repeated “I wouldn’t go for a drink with you, if you were the last man on earth. Unfortunately for me, I had the pleasure of your company one time too many in this lifetime. Now if you’d please, I have a husband and daughter to get home to” I said as I turned the photo frame round to face him.

“I wish you luck, and I genuinely mean that, please make sure you shut the door on your way out Mr James, goodbye”.

With that I sashayed out in my high heels, shapely legs and newly highlighted hair. Sashayed right away from the demon and back to my angel.

Living Again (A Short Story)

‘Let’s set some ground rules first’ I muttered to myself. I have never been a fan of technology and the wonders of the internet but Sheila, my rather eccentric work colleague and friend had been prattling on at me for weeks to get myself ‘online’. So with my quarterly bonus, I brought myself a little lap top which was apparently a bargain at half the price. Hmm not so sure about that I have to say, imagine how many pairs of shoes I could have been wearing right now.

‘Oh well, no use bitching about it now’ I said and switched it on for only the third time that week. I had been putting it off. I really didn’t see the big appeal of tap, tapping away on a keyboard all evening as well as all day. But peer pressure, even at the grand old age of 42, and here I was ready to go.

Luckily my 13 year old son Marcus had managed to show me the basics. And I was rather intrigued at just how much information was available to me at the click of a button. The last two times I had switched it on, I had browsed around, reading world news and catching up on the soap gossip. I had to laugh at myself, such a whiz already, I was even using internet lingo!

I hadn’t been interested in anything much of late. Life seemed to be passing me by. Hell Marcus had more of a life than me even with a curfew! But Sheila was always telling me the internet had so much potential.

‘Look at it as Cupid with wires, instead of wings’ she gushed at me one lunchtime over a Skinny Latte and a double chocolate chip cookie. Well come on, the coffee was skinny.

‘How many times, Sheila, I’m not interested in finding love, sex or marriage, been there done that and got the t-shirt’ I laughed.

But sitting here on my own with the world literally at my fingertips, I figured, it wouldn’t hurt to have a look. I mean no one would interest me. These dating sites are bound to be full of old men, with bald heads, hairy chests, facial hair and the good old fashioned anoraks to complete the look!

Clicking on ‘Straight to the Heart’ and groaning as I read the corny name, I quickly registered my basic details. Now back to the ground rules. I wasn’t prepared to put my real name online. Nor a photo for the world and his wife to judge. And I certainly wasn’t going to mention Marcus. He was my world since his father and I split up and you hear such scary stories of paedophiles worming their way in to the innocent, vulnerable lives of desperate middle aged women! Well no cyber guy was going to fool me. Besides I wasn’t desperate!

I filled in my profile, keeping it simple:

“Young at heart, lady in her early 40’s initially seeking friendship from like minded individuals. Interests include reading, swimming and theatre. 5’7 with black hair and brown eyes”.

I re-read what I had written and it sounded okay to me. I hit send and waited while my first ever advert popped onto the screen. I chose something called an avatar as my profile picture and had to laugh at the uncanny resemblance!

I pottered around, putting the kettle on and catching up on Corrie. In the back of my mind I was worrying about the dating site. I hadn’t been on a date let alone been with a man since I split with Tony 8 months ago. Tony and I were childhood sweethearts, the not so typical high school romance, because Tony and I made it. Well, we made it through the damp one bedroom flat we rented whilst we were at University, scrimping and saving with money earned from part time jobs. Studying was fitted in around everything else. It was hard work but we graduated and eventually Tony realised his dream, opening his own restaurant.

I worked in the local branch of Barclays and life began to pick up for us. We bought out first little home with its peeling paper and blocked drains but we made it a home. We finally had money coming in and all those nights of hard graft washing dishes and pot noodles for tea were a distant memory.

When I realised I was pregnant, we were both happy, we could afford it, we had the room and we were as excited as any other expectant parents. When Marcus was born, life was complete for us. And we settled into parenthood like ducks to water. I loved being home with Marcus, walking by the river and feeding the ducks, watching him smile and giggle as the ducks waddled past. Once Marcus started school, I went back to work part time and eventually as he got older, full time. Funny how your kids don’t need you all of a sudden.

Sadly, Tony and I started drifting from each other. He was working a lot of late nights whilst I worked days and we were like ships in the night for so many years. We cried in each others arms as we realised that we had to part for the sake of both our sanities. Not a harsh word was spoken; just quiet realisation that we needed to spread our wings. We had been together since we were fifteen years old and I was proud of all we had achieved together. But the old saying is true, if you love someone, letting them go is sometimes the only kind thing you can do. I’d always love Tony; he had been my life for all these years after all. And we were still friends which made it so much better for Marcus.

Anyway, I guess the time really had come to get back out there and try again and although I was nervous, I had an excited feeling. I logged back on and saw I had three messages.

I had to laugh out loud, or lol as computer speak seems to be. The first was from a very handsome man who quite literally spelled out what he wanted to do to me. No thank you. Delete.

The second was from someone who resembled the hunchback of Notre Dame! No joke, he was the ugliest man I have ever seen. Bless him, he sounded quite sweet for a while, until he started mentioning dungeons and dragons! Delete!

The third however, did catch my attention.

“Hi I have read your profile and you seem exactly what I am looking for. I would love to get to know you better. Tell me, what are you passionate about”.

So ensued message tennis for the rest of the evening. I told him a little about myself and he did the same. I didn’t give too much away. I was conscious of safety don’t forget. But I liked this man – Mario (obviously not his real name, at least I hoped not). He sounded funny and kind and interested in me. That was what got me, the fact he was interested in me! I described myself to him and he still liked the sound of me. I have to confess his physical description sounded perfect to me too.

I finally logged off for the night and arranged to carry on our conversation the next evening.

At work the next day Sheila was full of excitement when I shared my news with her. She was adamant I should bite the bullet and arrange a coffee. She must have seen the appalling open mouthed gape I gave her because she went on to explain that she would shadow me to make sure I was okay. I’d arrange the coffee and Sheila would be at the venue to check that I was okay. It did sound like a good plan and I couldn’t wait to get home to set it up.

Mario had sent me a message that was waiting for me when I got in. Apologising for sounding forward but wondering if I wanted to meet him for a drink sometime. I smiled to myself as I replied saying I would love to meet him for a coffee at Starbucks and was he free the next lunchtime.

I waited and waited but got no reply for hours. Eventually I heard the ping and again apologising for the delay he said he would love to meet me. So a few more emails pinged back and forth and we had a date set up.

Oh wow a date, probably only my third date in all my life. I had dated a lad at school before Tony and I got together but it wasn’t really proper dating, we used to hold hands in the playground when no one was looking and that was the extent of that experience. Tony and I did date but with money being so tight, we were more likely to be found watching old movies on the black and white television we had.

The next morning, I got up extra early, showered, straightened my hair and applied my make-up a lot more carefully than I would normally. I was in my work suit and there wasn’t a lot I could do about that as it was a lunchtime coffee. But we had figured that if I was in uniform at least he would recognise me.

I barely got through the morning, I felt like I was 15 all over again and it was crazy just how nervous I was but at 12 o’clock sharp Sheila and I set off down the High Street to Starbucks. Sheila settled at a table and I chose the one just off to the side so she could see and hear me and know I was okay.

I told the counter staff I was waiting for someone which totally perplexed them because I had, after all actually come in with someone! They waved me away. So there I sat, back to the window, nervous glances at Sheila who was already chatting up one of the staff. That woman really was incorrigible. And then I felt the presence of someone behind me and heard a voice say in a barely audible whisper ‘hello Melissa’.

I froze, this man knew my name. All manner of thoughts went through my head, he had hacked my computer, knew where I lived, what if he was after Marcus. Stupid, stupid girl. I then felt a hand rest gently on my shoulder and it turned me round. I was panicking now and as I glanced at Sheila she was looking at me with a smile and a frown all rolled into one!

I looked up into the handsome, rugged face above me. Crooked nose, blue eyes, dotted stubble and smiling lips.

‘Hello Melissa’ he said again still in that breathy whisper. The same whisper that I had heard for so many years but didn’t realise how much I had missed until that moment.

‘Tony’ was all I could manage before I found myself welling up.

Tony took my hand. He smiled at me and quite literally took my breath away.

“Did you know? All this time?” I asked.

“Well……yes…..I did, I guess. I owe you Sheila” he said turning towards her laughing.

Sheila was now in front of me. I was still sitting down and I stared up into the faces above.

“Sorry Melissa but you and Tony are made for each other, always have been and always will be. I love you both and I could see how sad you were without each other. Sure you tried to get on with life but when you lose your soul mate, nothing is ever going to take that place. I’ve spent weeks going on at you to join this site with Tony primed and waiting for you to appear” she said. “Tony is my brother and you are my friend and after talking to Tony at Mums the other month, I had to do something” she looked sheepish.

“Sheila give us a moment please” Tony Said. She shuffled off.

“It isn’t all about Sheila, Melissa. We made a mistake, we should never have parted, and I knew that from more or less the first damned night I spent away from you. Why didn’t I just tell you? Because I had to get you to like me again, show you that I am the same man you fell in love with all those years ago. I lost sight of what was important and I had to make it right again”.

I sat there staring at the only man I had ever and would ever love. He stared back with a hopeful longing in his eyes. And then I did the only thing that felt right. I stood up, cupped one of his cheeks in my palm and kissed him, right there in the middle of Starbucks, with a passion I never even knew I possessed.

Family Values

As a child I was raised to respect adults and teachers. Don't get me wrong, at times, I was a little monkey - not so much naughty but I had too much to say for myself. It was always 'Suzy talks to much' or 'Suzy has an answer for everything'. But as I said I was raised correctly, never broke the law, even though fellow classmates were often out 'nicking' from the shops on a Saturday and I knew who I should respect.

My kids are pretty good kids. Luke my eldest who is 12 is exactly the same as me, not naughty at all but just too gobby which extends to school and home life. Joe my youngest who is 7, is angelic at school, never ever in trouble. At home he can moan a lot and argue and fight with his brother but on a whole he is as good as gold.

I feel the reason my kids are the way they are is because I raise them with the same values that I was taught as a child. Basic manners, such as yes please and no thank you, letting older people through doors first etc. And it helps to know your boundaries and know if you push them or break them that there will be a punishment. I do not mean walloping or locking them up, merely early to bed or banned from computers and the many other games consoles taking over.

These basic manners cost nothing. Even if you weren't raised with them, you can still isntill them in your own children. After all, we all want to be respected but what a lot of people have to learn is, you cannot be respected if you have no respect for others around you or for yourself.

Luke has never been a 'tough nut' and luckily for me, if there is even the slightest hint of trouble when he has been out playing, he always comes home. He doesn't want to associate with a bad crowd and so far he has been this way all his life. He wants to be a police officer so he knows he cannot get in any trouble whatsoever.

Sadly, Luke was bullied for a while a few years ago. There was one kid who I have agonised over whether I should name him. I do not see why I shouldn't but to cover my own back, I have changed the name. Michael was and still is in the same school as Luke and unfortunately he also happened to live near where we used to live. At first Luke would play out with him and his mates riding his bike or just chatting. I never let him go far and he was always within sight or he would always tell me where he was going if he wanted to cycle off around the block. Basically as I said, a good kid.

Michael however was not and still is not a good kid. Him and his little crew were often out in the street throwing stones at peoples windows and causing a nuisance. Bear in mind that they were only ten or eleven at this time. Whenever these events happened, Luke would come home and stay in. But once Michael and Co. realised they couldn't get Luke to carry out the criminal games they played, they turned on him.

Every time Luke went out he would come home upset because Michael had been horrible to him. Kids are kids and I always told him to stand up to Michael because it was the only way he would stop the bullying. But Luke didn't feel he was able to. On one occasion Michael broke Lukes bike deliberately and I went out there and gave him a mouthful. He was so rude to me, laughing at me and telling me I couldn't do anything to him etc etc. I was disgusted and incensed at the verbal abuse coming from a child. His mother even pulled up and he got in the car but she never asked me what was going on or made any attempt to speak to me. If someone was shouting at mine in the street, I would calmly make it my place to find out what was happening.

On other occasions, Michael and his gang would throw stones at Luke and hurt him until one time, Michael actually hit him. Still Luke did nothing and came home crying. Lukes Dad went and found the kid and told him to keep away but again the abuse was unbelievable. The problem being these kids get away with it because they know they enrage you but they also know that as adults we cannot touch them.

So for Luke this continued until the last year of Junior School. Playing football in the playground, Michaell pushed Luke over, so Luke finally stood up for himself and pushed him back. Then ensued a small fight that resulted with Luke hitting Michael l in the tummy and Michael then splitting Lukes lip.

I found out about this after school and Luke said he was in trouble. I had already been to the school and explained what was happening with Michael and Luke on a couple of occasions so there was no way I was having Luke in trouble for standing up to a bully.

The headmaster said he was going to punish them both but I was adamant that Luke should not be punished. I explained that I do not agree or like violence but I will not allow my kids to bully people so I do not expect them to be bullied either. After showing the headmaster Luke's split and swollen lip, he agreed that Luke wasn't in trouble but told him that in future he should tell a teacher if the situation arose again.

Telling the teachers does not achieve anything. I wrote a blog recently about the Senior School they now attend, saying that the punishments there are too harsh, in my opinion. But in Junior and Infant schools, there is no punishment. No detention, no lines, no deterrant.

Luke never again had any trouble from Michael because it was only when Luke stood up for himself that Michael realised he would have to move on to someone who was still scared of him.

What astounds me is that Michael and his other associates, all seem to come from loving families with hard working parents. Why then do they feel the need to become violent unruly thugs at such a young age? Am I wrong to be bringing up my kids with manners and respect for others? Because it seems even those children that come from good homes, do not give a damn.

So I thought that was the end of any trouble at school for my kids but sadly now Joe is going through the same kind of thing. He is in his last year at Infant School. A few months back he was karate kicked in the back whilst waiting in line for his dinner at school. He was quite hurt and had a nasty bruise. I went in and complained about it to the school who told me it would be dealt with.

The same little boy just last week has once again hurt Joe. But this time I feel it was much more menacing and pre-meditated. Joe was waiting to come home in the afternoon and had his lunch box in his hand. The boy saw Joe's chocolate in his box and asked him for it. Joe wouldn't give it to him, rightly so, as it is his chocolate bar after all.

The boy then threatened Joe and told him if he didn't give him the chocolate, he would beat him up. Joe still did not give it to this other child, so the child cornered him in the classroom, punched him in the stomach and as Joe crouched to protect himself, the child pulled Joe's hair.

Joe came out of school and told me what had happened and I went and spoke to his Teaching Assistant. She assured me the information would be passed onto his Teacher and that she was aware it had happened. Why then, wasn't I informed? I left it that evening but the next day decided to go in and speak to the Headmistress.

I explained what had happened and said I was not happy about it. My son goes to school to learn, not to be attacked. I was more or less told that the child in question has problems with behaviour and that he is being monitored. I was then told that they could not promise it wouldn't happen again. When I told them that I had told Joe to hit back the child as hard as he could the next time, I was told off! I was told they would not tolerate that and that Joe would be in trouble, if he did hit the child back. Again, I was told he had to tell a teacher. He did that the last time he was attacked but it didn't get him anywhere in the long run.

This same child also uses words that no seven year old should know. Joe was at home and mentioned the dogs 'cock'. I asked him to explain what that was and he knew it was a 'willy' so he had used it in the right context. I didn't tell him off as he didn't realise but explained it was a word he mustn't use. When I mentioned this to the teacher and head teacher I was told that different families have different values and bring their children up in different environments and there is nothing they can do.

Joe's teacher said she would speak to the child in question and that it would be dealt with. So at the end of the school day I went to see her and this is what she did.........she sat Joe down with the other boy and told Joe to tell him how he had made him feel. Thats it. She was quick to point out that Joe had worked with the other boy after with no problem. Of course he did, he would have been too damn scared not to.

I am sick of bullies ruining my kids lives. Joe gets himself in a state every day now, on the toilet two or three times before we leave, getting upset, worrying about school. My son is a bright child who is both academic and sporty and now he is unhappy at school which could affect his education in the long run.

What I want to know is why the hell the school cannot deal with things more effectively. Us who bring up our children properly send our kids to school for an education only to discover they are being subjected to physical abuse and learning words that they shouldn't be.

I am not a judgemental person and I know that families have problems and children have behaviour issues BUT when it upsets my children, then I cannot sit back and let it happen.

The school didn't punish the other child for using vulgar words. The school didn't punish the child for basically trying to extort chocolate out of Joe. And the school didn't punish the child for physically assaulting Joe. So tell me what chance in hell do I have? I have to send my child to school knowing that he could be hurt again and knowing that no one will protect him. It is getting to the point where I understand those who home educate. At least that way, you know your child is safe and that you can protect them.

I seriously do not know what I am meant to do. My once happy-to-go-to-school little boy is now a quivering wreck every morning. And at this moment in time, there is not a thing I can do to help him.

Meltdown (A Short Story)

I stand there looking at you and you absolutely disgust me. I cannot fathom where it all went so wrong. What did I do? Why has it turned out this way?

I stand there lost in thought staring at you, remembering my whole life and seeing snippets flash through my mind.

I worked so hard all my life and strived to be the best I could be. I didn’t have it easy at school, I wasn’t the most naturally academic person I knew and everything I studied I had to study at twice as hard as anyone else to achieve the exam results that landed me a place at college. College life was easier, I was able to concentrate on the one subject I really liked; the law. I embraced the subject and worked hard until on leaving college, I was finally accepted into Law School.

All of it seems so pointless now as I stare at you. Everything I worked hard for blown away and seeing your sad eyes look back at me, I feel disgust and pity. It’s all I can do to look at you right now because you have no idea how just looking at you turns my stomach.

Once I graduated, I joined the Crown Prosecution Service and it was there that I met the love of my life, Barney; the only man who ever truly made me happy. I cherished every moment we spent together. The long windy walks on the moors, the holidays to far away destinations, spent together side by side, lazing on a lounger or strolling in the midday sun. And then being proposed to was all I imagined it would be and so much more.

I really had it all, the perfect man, the beautiful house in the suburbs, a joint income reaching into six figures. So my life really was complete once I fell pregnant. A planned event that happened nearly as quickly as the actual decision to try for my first child.

Even thinking about little Fletcher was enough to make me retch into the sink. My beautiful baby boy who was going to be so hurt by your betrayal. He was an innocent who delighted everyone he saw with his goofy grin and piercing blue eyes. The double of his Daddy which just made it even harder to look at you.

You don’t deserve to have him I thought to myself, as I watched the black circles around your eyes dampen with tears. It was pointless standing there looking at you, yet I couldn’t tear my gaze away. You destroyed utopia and you deserve the sneering, double glances that everyone gives you.

Despite all that had happened I still loved Barney and knew there was not a thing I could do to change that. He may have had his boxers off more times than a whore in a brothel but I turned a blind eye, just watching from afar and keeping it buried inside me, after all everything else about him was perfect and he loved me, I was sure.

Looking at you now, I realised that I should have dealt with the issues, confronted Barney earlier and maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess now. With me staring at you and you still looking so sad, I wonder if this would have made a difference.

But I left it, until the day I came home early. I was off on business but my train was cancelled and I couldn’t get another until hours later, so I decided to get a taxi home and read up on my case notes. I didn’t fancy another three hours in the bar waiting.

As I entered the house I heard giggles from upstairs. I heard whispers and I heard the sounds of two people making love. Only this wasn’t just any two people, I recognised the voices, Barney and Karen, my sister.

I stood for a split second before I bolted, slamming the door behind me. I reached my car and glanced back at the beautiful house just in time to see Barney rushing out of the door still doing his trousers up. But I’ll never forget the face of my sister looking down on me from my bedroom window.

I sighed and took one last look at you, tears streaming from my eyes and down my ashen face. I hated you and I wished I could take it all back. But it wasn’t possible. That’s the thing with life, once something is said or done, you cannot take it back.

I didn’t remember a lot once I bolted from the house that I had spent loving hours making a home. I must of sped away and the next thing I remembered was waking up in hospital with cuts and bruises and a broken arm. But sadly the other vehicles passengers hadn’t faired so well. A baby of just three months old was in a rear baby seat and the impact of my vehicle hitting the side of the car, was enough to kill him on impact. In the midst of my anger and pain, I had forgotten the five brandy’s I had leisurely swigged back at the bar earlier that day.

‘I fucking hate you, for all you let happen. For destroying our marriage, for ruining Fletchers life. For all the wasted years, for all the tears and pain you have caused. You deserve to rot in hell for the rest of eternity you fucking, selfish, stupid naïve, sorry excuse for a person’. And then I saw you laughing, you always ended up laughing at me, a demonic, twisted laugh that made me so mad. Even after all of this, you still stand there laughing.

I screamed at the top of my voice and started pummelling with my fists until the glass of the mirror shattered and I was left staring at a concrete wall, shards of glass scattered around me.

The tear stained face and demonic laughter was no longer visible, just the echo of my screams as they came, strapped me down and took me again, just as they had done so many times before.

Poetry 5

Last lot up to date.........

Tranquillity

Riding on horseback, the wind in my hair
Looking for wildlife that I know is there
Hearing the sound of the birds merry song
This is truly where I belong

Patting the neck of the stallion I ride
The soft velvet touch, of his silky hide
Feeling the sun beat down upon me
This is truly where I want to be

The rhythmic patter of hooves on the ground
The gentle swaying of trees all around
Stopping to see the scene; I’m in awe
This is truly what I love, for sure

Tying my mount to a dirty old oak
Dipping in lakes where I love to soak
Settling down on the edge of a lake
This is truly amazing, all else I’d forsake

Back on my horse to head homeward bound
To the peace and tranquillity I have found
Into my cabin, fire roaring at night
This is truly my dream; it is all that feels right

I close my eyes

I close my eyes so I can picture your face
Here I can lock you away in my special place
I close my eyes so you are alive in my heart
Here we’re together, we’re never apart.

I close my eyes, almost feel your breath on my skin
Feel its warmth that gathers from within
I close my eyes and feel as though you are here
Right beside me, so close, so near.

I close my eyes and I see you smiling at me
Soft gentle lips, parted and moist is what I see
I close my eyes and watch your eyes shining bright
Twinkling like stars in the black of the night

I close my eyes and I whisper your name
Can you hear me, are you doing the same?
I close my eyes and it’s only then that I’m free
Relaxed and at peace, when you are with me


Finding You

I found you one day and wow what a find
Now you are with me locked in my mind
I cannot imagine a time before you
Or how each day I managed to get through
You light up my life from my very core
I hardly know you but already I’m sure
You are a gem discovered by me
But I’m keeping you secret from everybody
It may have been funny how we did meet
But fate led us to the very same street
Now that I have you I’m not letting go
I want you forever and beyond don’t you know
So smile now my sweetest friend
Cos your stuck with me until time does to end.

I Want

I want to hold you close, feel your skin on mine
Touch and taste your lips that are so mighty fine
I want to lay my head upon your chest
Have you stroke my hair, in the way I like it best
I want to sit and look at you, right into your eyes
Share all I’m feeling, that came as a surprise
I want to caress you gently, from your head down to your toes
Convey all this passion that continues to grow and grow
I want to be there for you, hear you laugh and see you grin
And to be the one that cares to know you from within
I want to be the one who takes you completely as you are
The good, the bad, the terrible, the happy, the sad, the laughs
I want you to know that I like you for being you
No need to pretend to me, cos I like that you are true
I want to end by saying, you’ve touched me in a special place
Now everyone I look at, they all seem to have your face
I want to tell you honey, that you mean the world to me
If the world stopped tomorrow, I’d die happy as can be


Times

Never regret what you have done
Or what you have never had
Be grateful for what you do have
The good times and the bad

The good times make us laugh
And are remembered with a smile
The bad times makes us stronger
Yet to realise it, takes a while

Do everything you want to do
All the things that you do dream
There not as far out of reach
As they sometimes seem

Take time to show you love someone
Whoever that may be
Even if that someone
Does not feel the same as thee

Don't spend time on enemies
Or people who bring you down
It's far better to smile at them
Than berate them with a frown

Yesterday has passed us by
Today is here and now
But tomorrow is up to you
To use the best way you know how

Most of all be yourself
Be proud of who you are
Cos out there somewhere, just for you
Someone is wishing on a star

Opening Doors

Don't look at me with eyes full of pain
For I am not the one who shoulders the burden of blame
Didn't I do all that I possibly could
Wasn't I the one who tried to make everything good

I've been hurting just as much as you
Yet I'm the one whose pain couldn't cope with the truth
Burying the past, leaving things left unsaid
I may have tried to forgive but I can never forget

Locked in my mind, thoughts battling in my head
Worthless, confused, alone inside, a heart that was dead
I tried to move on and I tried so very hard
But now it's my turn to play the very same card

And somehow you blame me, regardless of how it begun
I'm the bad guy, the villain, the evil one
But I'm not can't you see, I felt scared and unsure
And just like with you, someone showed me a new door

The door was opened, left me hungry to learn
And with all the uncertainty, there was one thing I yearned
I would no longer live a lie each and every day
I'd be happy again, no more pain, in any way

So as you stand there with tears on your cheeks
I no longer feel sad, I've been there, for weeks
As you now look and realise you ruined our life
I know I can no longer be your wife

You had your fun before the boredom set in
Then back to me with an apologetic grin
You thought I could love you again, make it work, make it last
And so did I, I thought I could erase the past

But then I met someone who stopped all my woe
Made me laugh and happy again, yet took it so slow
This someone changed me, made me feel wanted and sure
And it is him that I want, for all my days – evermore

I Like You/Because

I like you because of the way you make me feel
And because when I think of you, the smile that
appears is real.

I like you because you are kind and true
And because what you say is a
reflection of you.

I like you because you are interested in me
And because that interest is genuine and
filled with honesty.

I like you because you are normal in every way
And because that is hard to find
in this world today.

I like you because you are very cute
And because along with that you
are sexy to boot.

I like you because you make me feel young
And because it is a great feeling that
cannot be undone.

I like you because you say what you mean
And because it matters that you speak what
you feel and what you have seen.

I like you because you can make me mad
And because you can also make me feel so
many things, good and bad.

I like you because you are who you are
And because liking you feels good even
from a distance afar.

I like you because you are one special man
And because liking you makes me love you
in the way, only I can.

I can’t

I want to kiss the man I love
Feel him next to me as I sleep, have him hold me when I weep
But I can’t.

I want to feel his hand
Pressed into mine as we walk, take time to listen and talk
But I can’t.

I want to dance with him under the stars
Laugh outside in the rain, as he whispers my name
But I can’t.

I want to be the one he thinks of
When his eyes open to a new day, see him smile that special way
But I can’t.

I want to breathe his scent
As much as the oxygen I need, follow him no matter where he leads
But I can’t.

I want to love him completely
Let him know that I’m there, that it’s all just so unfair
But I can’t.

I want to tell him using these words
That it may be far from ideal, but it makes it no less real
But I can’t.

I want to tell him that I can’t be with him
So I dream of him instead, making everything real in my head
But I can’t.

Poetry 4

More...............

Judgement

Everyone is judging me because I’ve gone on strike
From children to adults and the Government alike
I took the role as fireman, it was my childhood dream
But it isn’t really glamorous, although this is how it’s seen
I want to be saving lives, not on a picket line
Waving all the banners and heavy wooden signs
I’ve heard the nasty comments, I hear what people say
But is it really so bad that I ask for a bit more pay
We only work four days a week, you think this is great
Most of us do two jobs though, a factor that we hate
We never see our families, can never plan ahead
And of the time we do get off, we spend asleep in bed
Fighting fires is what I do and I do it well
Fear rushes through me when I hear the fire bell
You never know what’ll happen or what you may see
Imagine a wrecked car or finding a child’s body
So next time that you think I’m wrong and are getting all uptight
Take a breath, sit and think, you’ll see that I’m right


My Job

I am a fireman
Yes one of those
The one being judged
Why? I don’t know

I work hard at my job
I give it my all
But it’s hard at present
To keep my cool

Some people are angry
Cos we are making a stand
Yet others are ready
To just shake our hand

Do you think we like it
Striking like this
It’s not what we wanted
Not what we wished

We just want to get
A little more pay
So we don’t have to work
When off for a day

It’s not much to ask
Of the powers that be
To give us a little
Bit more money

It really is a blatant fact
That we deserve a little more
Instead of living meagrely
And always being poor

So Mr Tony Blair
It’s time you had the grace
To give us what we’ve wanted
Before you lose face

We won’t give in to you
I hope you realise
So stop it all right now
And give us a pay rise

Love or Lust

I don’t know how much longer I will be able to resist
This throbbing inside of me, to kiss your sexy lips
I look at you and I’ve never felt in my life before
Such tremors of emotion, this is love or lust I’m sure
Whenever you are near me, it makes me feel shy
This really isn’t like me, so it makes me wonder why
When our skin does touch I have to jump away
I don’t think you have noticed so I think it’s okay
If you weren’t so lovely I wouldn’t go all weak
I wouldn’t feel all fluttery or be inept to speak
One day I might be brave and confess to you it all
But in the meantime I can only pray that for me you will fall

All I Ever Wanted

You are everything
I thought you would be
And now you are there
Right in front of me

It took quite a time
To get you here
I’ve been waiting so long
Just to have you near

I’ll never hurt you
I’ll cherish it all
I’ll always be there
In case you should fall

Your sweet little face
And sleepy blue eyes
I cannot believe it
I just want to cry

I’ll cuddle and kiss you
Love you and care
You are my darling
A bond we shall share

I cannot believe it
How perfect you are
My very own baby
Who is such a star

For My Teacher

As I say goodbye to you
I’m feeling rather sad
Thinking of all the fun times
That in your class I’ve had

I joined your class just last year
And boy how it has flown
I’ve learnt so very much from you
So much I feel I’ve grown

You’ve taught me more than ABC
Much more than 123
I’ve learnt about mini bugs
And counting in steps of three

I’ve learnt about my Christian faith
And built a model slide
All the things that I’ve achieved
Have made me swell with pride

More than just in lessons though
I feel you’ve been my friend
Someone who cares and listens
Someone whose ear I bend

I know I talk quite a lot
And at times I drive you mad
But I’m trying really hard
So I can’t be all that bad

I want to thank you very much
For the time with me you’ve spent
You’re more than just a teacher
You’re an angel heaven sent

I Could

I could dance in the starlight
In the glow of the moon
Watch a rainbow appear
Each day at noon
I could climb tall mountains
Swim across deepest seas
But I’m only my happiest
At the thought of you holding me

I could appear on the stage
Write a number one song
Perhaps star in a film
Watch a sunset all night long
I could travel the world
Of course in first class
But without you
It all seems a farce

I could be very rich
Have a posh car and a boat
Wear sparkly big diamonds
On my fingers and throat
I could pretend to be happy
But I cannot deny
It’s you in my dreams
The rests by the by

Let’s

Let’s walk on the shore
With the sand between our toes
Hand in hand as the water flows

Let’s find a mountain
And climb it to its peak
No need for words, no need to speak

Let’s swim in a lake
Together, be side by side
With no worries and nowhere to hide

Let’s sit behind a waterfall
Listen to the sounds as one
Catching a glimpse of the midday sun

Let’s dance in the starlight
In the glow of the moon
Hearing the nights merry tune

Shall we do all these things?
Shall we share in each delight?
Together, alone – it feels so right.


I Wanna

I wanna feel your touch
Feel your skin on mine
Touch your body
Oh so fine

I wanna taste your skin
Slippery and wet
Hot and steamy
Shiny with sweat

I wanna kiss those lips
Really soft and slow
Soft and pink
Work to and fro

I wanna hold you close
In my arms tonight
Hold your body
Very tight

I wanna treat you good
And treat you mean
No rules needed
It will keep you keen

I wanna to do these things
That are in my head
That I dream of
When I'm alone in bed.


It’s Time

Here I am, just waiting to die, I'm not understanding the reasoning; why?
I've sat here alone for so many years, And how I've cried lots of silent tears.
It isn't my time, I am so very sure, but I literally cannot speak or do anymore.
My body will die, my mind will go slow, I'll watch the faces as they pass to and fro.
I think it will hurt, I've been told that it will, I can imagine the pain I am bound to feel.I can't die alone, with dignity and in peace, I have to be watched as my life starts to cease.Some say I deserve it, but the truth is not clear, It's never been plain but no one can hear.I'm walking now, my last steps in this life, I've said goodbye to my mum, my kids my wife.I didn't do the things that they say, lets hope that this is discovered one day.By then it will be too late, at least for me, but I hope it makes the world sit up and see.A life for a life, a lot of people cry, but what if they are wrong, should the innocent die?I've sat down, and hear that I'm ready to go, Goodbye to the world and Goodbye to death row.

The Seed

There are times in our lives when we are lost and in need
Then a person comes along and within plants a seed
The seed starts to grow with each passing day
And it sprouts in directions that show us the way
This seed is not normal, it’s special you know
It never gets older or dies, only continues to grow
This seed is a memento, it’s not merely a pip
It’s the symbol of hope and our newfound friendship


Fate

Stong arms to hold me, yet arms that know when to let go, kisses from the heart not just for show.
Eyes that can read me and know what I feel, words that mean something that I know are for real.
Lips that are soft, whispering secrets to me, yet comfy in silence when needed to be.
This man of my dreams, a believer in fate, this man is perfection, surely he is my soulmate.

Within

Snatched conversations when time does permit
Smiles and fires within hearts become lit
Dreams at night and during the day
Keeping me going til I'm with you again
Thoughts in my mind that are driving me mad
But something so good just cannot be bad
Thinking of you until again, we do meet
With love to you always my honey my sweet

Quite Simply Love

Your love whispers my name like an ocean lapping the shore
Like the birds flying softly, spreading wings to soar

Your love touches my heart like a flame of fire
Like the passion of lovers so filled with desire

Your love reaches to me like the outstretched hand of a child
Like the screams of revellers riding coasters, wild

Your love feels me like it could fit in my skin
Like the feeling of blood that pumps from within

Your love needs me to take it, claim it as my own
Like a flower needs water to become more than the seed that is grown

Your love was mine from the time we did meet
Your love stays mine until our time on earth is complete

Your love will follow me to the life after this
Our love is not mortal, it is our eternal bliss